It Was Justified
by rosie.lee.14
Summary: A short one-shot about a certain team member who is struggling to see a way out of the darkness. Rated T for themes of depression and mentions of self-harm, please don't read if you are easily upset by these subjects.
A/N: It's 4:30am in the UK right now so good night and enjoy! :-)

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS :-(

As I stared at the gun I began to justify it.

The reasons I should do it, why nobody would care.

The scars meant I could never be loved anyway and what is there in life if there is no love.

I wish this would just all go away. I don't want to end it all but this pain is horrifically unbearable.

Why should I live if I am in this much pain?

The tablets don't work; if they did I wouldn't be sat here right now.

Me and this gun have been through so much together, we could finish it together right now. I was sat in the room of death too so they wouldn't have to move me very far.

I poured another glass of Bourbon; I can see why Gibbs likes it so much.

After each there were more reasons.

I wait, subconsciously hoping for someone to walk past the sliding doors and interrupt my thoughts.

My stupidity, my pranks, my mistakes, the reasons go on. The gun just sat there on the desk, tempting me into my inevitable fate.

I should have spotted that sniper, I should have died when I got the plague, I could have prevented Jenny's death then Jeanne. She blamed me for her father's death then tried to get me sent down for it, that nearly killed me. Life went on, things happened but the whole team got over them together as if we were family.

Family… I wonder what that feels like, to actually be loved by your own flesh and blood. My dad doesn't even speak to me anymore, I got a call last Christmas but it's November now so he obviously doesn't care.

Why shouldn't I give up?

Now Ziva's gone and I don't know what to do. Bishop is a really good agent but she just isn't Ziva.

I miss her more than words can say, I loved her more than I loved Jeanne and now I feel helpless.

At first I was fine with her being gone but then this empty feeling started to settle in. It grew and started to consume me, it never stopped. Still hasn't if I'm being entirely honest.

Now I'm sat here, alone. Just me, a gun and a bottle of Ducky's finest Bourbon. The smell of the dead bodies is masked by the alcohol and the only thing cutting through the silence is the buzzing of the freezer that holds the dead bodies. I left the lights off with only a desk lamp to highlight where my glass was, but the darkness was oddly comforting.

I left Ducky an IOU for the Bourbon, I'm sure he won't mind, it's only one bottle.

Then the doors slide open revealing Gibbs, the father figure I never had.

"So DiNozzo, I think we need to talk"

"About what boss?"

"The reason you have been in here for the past hour and have already drunk nearly a whole bottle of Bourbon yet your words aren't slurred"

"I am very tolerant to alcohol; it's one of my many natural abilities"

"We both know that is isn't something that comes naturally to anyone"

"So I've had a few drinks recently? It's not a crime"

"No but it's not healthy either. Just tell me what you're thinking"

"Nope"

"I know you're on antidepressants Tony"

"What! How?"

"I was worried about you so I called in a favour"

"You can't do that!"

"I just have"

"Leave me alone!" I shouted as I picked up my gun.

"Tony, put the gun down" he said calmly.

"Why? There isn't any point in living anymore"

"Yes there is Tony and deep down you know that"

"If I did I wouldn't be sat here right now" I raised the gun to a soft spot just beneath my unshaven chin.

"Don't do it Tony, think about all the pain it will cause people. It might end your suffering but it's only gonna cause suffering to others"

"Like who?"

"Ziva, McGee, Vance, Palmer, Ducky, Bishop, your dad, Abby, Me, the list continues"

"You will all survive without me, especially my dad"

"When did you last speak to him?"

"A while ago. Besides, why would you care?"

"Are you kidding me? You are the son I never had, I care for you more than you will ever know"

"I-I don't believe you" I stuttered slightly, hearing those words was something I had only ever dreamed of in the past.

"Tony, what is that on your arm?" Gibbs asked squinting in the low light. I hadn't noticed that my right sleeve had started to slip down revealing some minor scaring.

"It's nothing important"

"Have you been cutting?"

I couldn't lie to him "maybe, maybe not. It makes no difference to you. It's time to say goodbye boss, thanks for everything" he had just made up my mind for me. As I went to pull the trigger Gibbs leaped forward knocking the gun clean out of my grasp. It still went off but it only hit the ceiling.

I looked at Gibbs and saw the sadness in his eyes. I then just stared at the floor and began to cry.

"Tony, we will get you through this"

I stayed silent other than the quiet and uncontrollable sobs that escaped every so often.

"I promise" he whispered in my ear as he embraced me into a hug, it has been a long time since one of those. But at least I know everything is going to be okay now, I have a father who won't let anything happen to me even though it was justified.

A/N: I know it was only a short one but tell me your thoughts, thanks for reading :-)


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